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Covering the Bronco Nation.

The Rider Online | Legacy HS Student Media

Covering the Bronco Nation.

The Rider Online | Legacy HS Student Media

Album Review: Everybody Can’t Go by Benny the Butcher
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Album Review: Everybody Can’t Go by Benny the Butcher
All About the APs
Bronco Minute 3-22
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KFC Releases Another Assault on Humanity

The evil scientists working in the volcanic lair of KFC headquarters have come up with something that lowers the standards for what can reasonably be called food further even than the predigested mass they call the Famous Bowl. I am speaking, of course, of the new Double Down “sandwich,” something that more closely resembles Meatwad from Aqua Teen Hunger Force than something I would like to put in my mouth. Two pieces of fried chicken, bacon, cheese, and special sauce do not a sandwich make. In fact, I’m not certain it makes food.

Many stories about the sandwich have run with lines like such as the LA Times’ “When we first heard of the new menu item, we thought the fast-food chicken chain had unleashed the best April Fool’s joke since the Starbucks Plenta size.” I truly wish it was a joke. Comedian Mitch Hedberg  came up with the most ridiculous sandwich he could for a bit in one of his acts, but failed to even approach this abomination. His pastrami, cottage cheese and banana bread sandwich seems like a delicious treat next to the Double Down.

KFC’s attempted justification for this thing is that by some black magic, it is calorically similar and even better than other fried chicken sandwiches offered by KFC and their competitors. They also point out that it comes in a grilled as well as fried variety.  However, neither of those things justify the thing’s existence nor do they make it any where near healthy, as the fried sandwich has nearly a full day’s worth of sodium and the grilled one, has only marginally fewer calories (and, paradoxically, more salt than the fried.)

I’m more than a little ashamed and offended that it’s only available in America. Such an affront on all things edible should be spread worldwide, one country alone cannot bear the enormous burden of this thing.

I honestly believe the idea behind this was to create truly abominable foodstuff out of elements not extraordinarily despicable in their own right. The disgust of the whole is exponentially greater than the disgust of the individual parts. It would not surprise me in the slightest to see this principle weaponized in the near future. Doubling Down at KFC is the same as doubling down in Vegas; you will lose every time.

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  • J

    JasmineApr 16, 2010 at 10:25 am

    Description of the typical customer:

    The model of interaction with the KFC Double Down Sandwich is to be a “consumer,” what William Gibson memorably described as “something the size of a baby hippo, the color of a week-old boiled potato, that lives by itself, in the dark, in a double-wide on the outskirts of Topeka. It’s covered with eyes and it sweats constantly. The sweat runs into those eyes and makes them sting. It has no mouth… and can only express its mute extremes of murderous rage and infantile desire by changing the channels on a universal remote.”

    http://www.geekosystem.com/kfc-double-down-sandwich/

  • N

    Noor PortilloApr 15, 2010 at 1:30 pm

    This made me think of Patton Oswalt’s famous bowl rant.