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Dear Person Who Stole My Phone

Dear Person Who Stole My Phone

I hope you are happy with what you have done. Since you have been using my phone- and I know you have been because Sprint tells me you have been calling people- by now you probably have noticed that the A button doesn’t work on the keyboard. This is because I dropped it into a toilet at a sketchy place– the bathroom was for both males and females. You’re welcome.

I’m assuming that you have looked through all my text messages and pictures. That is pretty creepy, especially because I picture you as a strange guy in a trench coat– perhaps with a handle bar mustache that shakes every time you laugh evilly as you call someone using my phone. I wonder how you can live with the guilt, considering that the first picture in my phone is a picture of my cat. My poor cat with a bandaged leg and a cone around her head. Yeah. You look at that picture of my pitiful cat and feel guilty. Although, there is the possibility that looking at that picture doesn’t make you feel guilty or sad, maybe it makes you feel hungry because you are a cat-eating goblin creature. That being beside the point, how can you live with the guilt and not call one of the various numbers in my contacts in an attempt to return my phone?

I have a plan– the next phone I get I will take a picture of myself making a stern face while shaking my finger and then make that picture my background. That way my stern face will serve as a warning to whomever tries to take my phone, my facial expression clearly stating “HEY! Cut that out!” Thus repelling even the most fiendish villains and protecting my phone.

I wrote this letter to serve as a warning. Until the service to my phone is shut off, be prepared to receive a torrent of hateful text messages and phone calls. All the people you contacted using my phone should also be prepared, because I’m willing to call and text them mean things as well. You are the reason the human race sucks so much. I hope you get what you deserve.


Owner of the phone you stole.

P.S. There is a tracking device in my phone. I will find you.

P.P.S. I wrote all of this while standing outside your house, nice curtains by the way.

P.P.P.S. I lied… Those are hideous curtains.

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8 Responses to “Dear Person Who Stole My Phone”

  1. Jamie on March 5th, 2012 9:26 am

    HILARIOUS…and sooooo changing the background to my phone. LOVED IT!


  2. Hillary B. on March 5th, 2012 9:28 am

    I like how you creep out ppl at the end. 😀


  3. John Smith on March 6th, 2012 7:59 am

    LOLOL, it gets great reception in the cabin in the woods, where I have my SECRET HIDEOUT OF DOOM


  4. Holly Jolly on March 8th, 2012 9:12 am

    This story is very brilliant indeed! (The curtain comments are awesome.) Fabulous job! 😀


  5. Hannah on March 8th, 2012 10:13 am

    By far the best/funniest thing I’ve ever seen on theRIDERonline. BRAVO! 😀


  6. Megan Rathbun on March 26th, 2012 2:06 pm

    To “John Smith,” (I doubt that is your real name) you are a liar! My phone gets horrible reception. Especially in the woods…


  7. Kelcey McKinley on November 27th, 2012 8:37 am

    This is awesome, easily one of the funniest stories I’ve read on here!


  8. lauron on January 9th, 2015 8:29 am

    I would cry if someone stole my phone. My phone is my life.


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