It took me a long time to finally begin the actual process of writing this final blog. I would like to blame this on the fact that, as a senior, I have learned how much I can really put off my responsibilities until I can not allow myself to procrastinate any longer. The main reason I have been putting this particular task off would be attributed to my avoidance of all sentimental and/or final occurrences that have proven inevitable so far.
Really, the finality of everything recently has taken its toll on me, from my last choir concert to my last banquet to my last AP test, even. I have mastered the art of ignoring the impending reality of finishing high school, walking the stage and leaving everything that has become easy and normal to me so I can go off to college – a very difficult and different environment than what I have known for the last 18 years – ridiculously soon. I loathe when adults ask me how excited I am to be through with high school, if I am nervous to move to Austin, what I want to do with my life or any other detailed question about my plans and feelings for the future, because it forces me to actually think about it, which leads to my ultimate destruction, in a mental sense. But of course, I politely lie and say I am more than excited, I am not nervous whatsoever, I know I want to be a teacher, etcetera and so on.
Truthfully though, I am more than afraid, I am completely nervous, my plans for the future could change drastically depending on the day and my mood at any given moment, etcetera. I get too upset and too worried when I think about leaving my family and my friends and my home and my niche, I don’t want to think about buying my own groceries or making my own dinner or other similar things if I don’t have to. I would rather just pretend that my parents will take care of the groceries and dinners for the rest of my life until I am in my own apartment and can’t pretend so anymore.
Obviously I don’t necessarily feel ready for this major life change, but I also don’t think I ever would feel prepared enough to be comfortable with it if I were to wait for that moment. I only recently got the hang of this high school charade and now I have to ditch it for something even more confusing. Eventually, college life will become easy and normal and I won’t feel ready to move on to something more confusing than that. It’s inevitable too, but I understand that I will grow this way. I can’t just stay in a comfortable environment forever or I won’t be given any opportunities to grow.
So even though the idea of starting over somewhere new seems dreadful right now, I know it will be worth it in the long run. I am going to miss the comfort of the journalism room, my friends here, singing with my choir and so many more little things that I have grown accustomed to over the past few years. But, I am thankful for everything I have been taught so far, by my parents, teachers, friends and others up to this point in my life, and I think I might be more prepared because of them than I actually realize.
