Welcome to the Zack Snyder School for Directing Superhero Movies!
Do you want to cash in on a trend and piggyback off a much more successful movie franchise? Do you want to make the same film three times and still make $300+ million no matter how bad they might be? Then join the Zack Snyder School for Directing Superhero Movies! Follow these simple steps and you’ll have a fanbase of brainless moviegoers paying $11.50 for your film in no time!
Step 1 – Watch a Marvel movie
All the good superhero movies were made a long time ago. There’s absolutely nothing original left they can do. If there’s a movie that might deal with a group of superheroes coming together despite their differences to fight robots and monsters, that could help.
Step 2 – Buy a green screen
Green screens are the greatest invention to cinema since the lens flare. They can take your characters to distant lands like a city or a cave, you know, stuff that can’t possibly be shot with a set. Nowadays, green screens are so advanced, no one could possibly tell your actors are standing in a soundstage with nothing actually happening to them. Trust me, your actors will thank you for it.
Step 3 – Hire CGI designers
You know what’s never been done in a superhero movie? Superheroes fighting CGI monsters. Hire some graphic designers to have your caped crusaders to destroy Playstation 2-level aliens.
Step 4 – Go on Craigslist to find writers
Good writing is overrated. If you have a big budget for special effects and advertising, then you’ve already put butts in seats and you can have your characters do whatever they want. Make sure that for every well-rounded and interesting character like Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot), you have a character like Aquaman (Jason Momoa), who has absolutely no motivations and switches behavioral traits faster than The Flash. Either way, you’ll have a great mix of characters with perfect chemistry.
Step 5 – Pay off websites to hide the reviews for your movie
Is there a coincidence that Rotten Tomatoes, the world’s biggest movie review site, waited until Thursday afternoon -when people had already bought their tickets to see the film opening night- to post their aggregate score? Absolutely not. Ignore the haters by giving them money so you can make more money.
Now you have it! You’ve made the perfect DC superhero movie! Now sit back and wait for that check to fall in your mailbox.
Also, Justice League is bad.
2/10
