I hope you are happy with what you have done. Since you have been using my phone- and I know you have been because Sprint tells me you have been calling people- by now you probably have noticed that the A button doesn’t work on the keyboard. This is because I dropped it into a toilet at a sketchy place– the bathroom was for both males and females. You’re welcome.

I’m assuming that you have looked through all my text messages and pictures. That is pretty creepy, especially because I picture you as a strange guy in a trench coat– perhaps with a handle bar mustache that shakes every time you laugh evilly as you call someone using my phone. I wonder how you can live with the guilt, considering that the first picture in my phone is a picture of my cat. My poor cat with a bandaged leg and a cone around her head. Yeah. You look at that picture of my pitiful cat and feel guilty. Although, there is the possibility that looking at that picture doesn’t make you feel guilty or sad, maybe it makes you feel hungry because you are a cat-eating goblin creature. That being beside the point, how can you live with the guilt and not call one of the various numbers in my contacts in an attempt to return my phone?

I have a plan– the next phone I get I will take a picture of myself making a stern face while shaking my finger and then make that picture my background. That way my stern face will serve as a warning to whomever tries to take my phone, my facial expression clearly stating “HEY! Cut that out!” Thus repelling even the most fiendish villains and protecting my phone.

I wrote this letter to serve as a warning. Until the service to my phone is shut off, be prepared to receive a torrent of hateful text messages and phone calls. All the people you contacted using my phone should also be prepared, because I’m willing to call and text them mean things as well. You are the reason the human race sucks so much. I hope you get what you deserve.

Sincerely,

Owner of the phone you stole.

P.S. There is a tracking device in my phone. I will find you.

P.P.S. I wrote all of this while standing outside your house, nice curtains by the way.

P.P.P.S. I lied… Those are hideous curtains.